Last week, I bulleted out some things I've learned in 20 years of parenting. One point I landed on highlighted the irresponsibility of telling our kids to abstain from bad things without the real-life teaching to go with it. Too often parents (especially Christian parents) measure their parental success by the list of don'ts they create to protect their kids. This picture is so incomplete and potentially harmful.
It's not easy, but part of our job as parents is to find ways to empower our kids with loving education not control them with fear or pander to them with empty cliches. Recently, I was put to the test on this and have a practical example of how it played out in my own home.
I procrastinated on an awkward topic. 2nd grade seemed way too young to me to have an in-depth "real" conversation about sex. But, get this. I had actually waited too long because somebody else was already talking to him about it. Girls in his class were sending him graphic notes, saying vulgar things, daring each other to "grab" him in the library, tackling him at recess for "fan club points", etc.
Because we had never talked to our son about the things (and profanity) he was experiencing at school, he got confused. He didn't know how to process everything that was happening. How to communicate about it. How to understand it. How to reconcile two worlds. He was embarrassed and he felt trapped. He suffered silently for months before we ever found out.
- How do we talk about these things at an age appropriate level? What's is age appropriate anyway?
- How far do we go?
- What do we focus on? What do we avoid?
- How do we prepare them for relational conflict and peer pressure?
- How do we expose lies and reveal truths?
Tricky. There's no one size fits all answer to that question. Every kid and every circumstance is different. But, using the topic of sex as an example ... there are a couple of places to get some help.
First educate yourself.
Next, get the conversation going with your kids.
- Start off by asking them questions to learn what they think. Before you start talking, hear how they respond...in their own words.
- What is love?
- What is the difference between loving someone and being in love?
- How old do you think you have to be to be "in" love?
- What's the difference between real love and TV love?
- Read a book together. Take turns reading different pages out loud.
- Compare and contrast the difference between love and lust.
Are there any resources you've found helpful to help navigate through awkward conversations with your kids? Where do you get help growing a healthy functioning family in an unhealthy dysfunctional world? How are you intentionally living in the tension (versus hiding from or avoiding the painful realities around us)? Love to hear from you.
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